A Survival Guide to Mondays

Hello again, my gorgeous housewives!

I received several emails about how to survive a Mundane Monday. Some of you have issues with the image of being lazy. People already believe housewives are lazy thanks to the invention of soap operas they don't need to see an unkempt home to validate their stereotypes. Let's face it ladies, what you do, no man could do with the same level of grace and electricity as you maintain. It's a job, a full time job with no benefits. It's time to start behaving like the self-employed woman that you are. 

Here's a sample itinerary to help you survive this coming Manic Monday. 

Sunday Night
(I know what you're thinking, "Sunday night?? How many things do I need to do tomorrow??" Relax, this is only a prep that will make your day run smoother and give you a happy start to your week.)

1. Choose an hour to shutdown your kitchen and stick to it. No more snacks and more importantly, no more messes. Once the kitchen is closed do the dishes and make sure your kitchen sink is empty and clean. This is very important for your mental well being on Monday. Imagine waking up and finding the dishes are already done. One less thing to do. 



2. Lay out a Girl Next Door outfit for tomorrow. Choose something that doesn't require you to comb your hair or shave. BUT you must look nice in it. No sweats or moo-moos. Whatever you choose, wear it with pumps. Trust me, it makes a difference. 

3. Grab a box and clear off your bathroom counter. Remove everything but the soap, toothbrushes, and toothpaste.

4. Set out the following on the counter: EITHER foundation OR Powder along with something to apply it with, Mascara, Lip Gloss, Earrings, and EITHER a watch OR a bracelet. 

Now you're ready for Monday. 

Monday

1. Don't hit the snooze. Get right up and make your bed right away, as if you MUST get to work on time. 

2. After your morning pee, brush your teeth and wash your face. Put on your make-up and jewelry and pull your hair into a pony tail or leave it down. Those are your only options. (No exceptions, regardless of hair length. No curling or flat irons)

3. Relinquish the bathroom and get dressed down to the heels.

4. Make hot or cold cereal and toast for your family's breakfast. The key here is, leave the stove off.


5. Either, dress your children and place them in front of the t.v. while you have coffee, OR, Let them dress themselves while you have your coffee. But have your coffee (or tea).

6. Kick everyone out. Drop them off if you have to. This would be the time to run your errands. 

7. Take a 15 minute break. (Talk on the phone, check Facebook, whatever)


8. Scrub the bathroom toilet, sink and tub. 

9. Lunch break (1 full hour) no cheating!


10. Clean up the dishes, put away the clean ones.

11. Remember that bathroom box? Take all of the make-up out and put it into a smaller container and put it under the sink. Throw away expired make-up and medicines. Put everything where it belongs or throw it away. 


12. Take that same box and clear off the coffee table and sofas into that box.  (You now know what your Red Zone is for tomorrow)

13. Sprinkle your carpets with the most fragrant carpet fresh around and vaccum the living room. Doing this during the second half of the day leaves visitors with the impression that you did more cleaning than your really did. 



14. Pick everyone up.

15. Make leftovers for dinner. Repeat Sunday night routine. 




Congratulations! You've survived Monday!


More importantly, you've cleaned and decluttered the bathroom making it easier to soak in a bubble bath. You've also, straightened up and freshened up your living room, kept the kitchen clean, run errands and find time to take care of yourself. At the end of the day you should feel accomplished, important and rested, all things that society likes to take away from you the moment you tell them you're a house wife. 


Here's an example of one week's worth of Red Zones.

Monday-Bathroom cabinets and counters
Tuesday-Coffee Table and sofas
Wednesday-Bedroom closets
Thursday-Hall Closets and laundry rooms
Friday-Kitchen Cabinets and refrigerator

The key is to spend no more than 1 hour cleaning at a time. No More than 3 hours a day. If you're feeling really lazy, leave it for the weekend shift to handle. You're entitled to a weekend off and your family is entitled to chip in from time to time. 

Paranormal Activity (Spoiler Alert!!!)

The Synopsis of the film is this: a woman named Katie (Katie Featherston) has been followed by a demon since she was eight-years-old. When she moves in with her long term boyfriend, Micah (Micah Sloat), the demon gets jealous and starts throwing regular temper tantrums that escalate in response to the boyfriend’s egotistical demonstration of "quien es mas macho."

Throughout the entire film the audience is kept waiting for something fantastic to happen. Instead, we are forced to succumb to 86 minutes of rap-tap-tapping on the hardwood floors and shaky video footage. Like every good horror movie it begins when the characters ignore the sound advice of the psychic who tells them not to try to communicate with the spirits. But it wouldn't be a horror movie if they'd actually listened. Night after night the relationship between the two characters begins to deteriorate almost as quickly as the audience's attention span. It isn't until the last ten minutes of the film that something tangible actually begins to happen.

After spending more than an hour trying to figure out what, if anything, in this film made those people in the commercials jump out of their chairs with fear, you finally get your answer at the end of the movie. You'll clench your seat or honey bunny waiting to see something, anything, emerge from the darkness of the stairway. And suddenly, a body, thrown right into your face. Anyone who says they didn't jump out of their skin when this happened is a total liar. They are just as bad as the misleading commercials that leave you with the impression that this is real footage, terrifying images of ghosts, and that this is something that will have you screaming long after Halloween. None of this happens.

What does happen is the terror of the "what if factor." You wonder, "What if this really happened to me? What would I do?" If you remember the Nightmare on Elm Street film series, you'll also remember that the films were never truly scary or innovative with special effects. What hooked you in was the idea that you were powerless against someone who could invade your dreams and kill you. The same is true about Paranormal Activity. It will leave you disappointed in general, but once you go to bed at night you will find yourself sleeping next to the wall or making sure your foot doesn't hang out of the bed for fear of being dragged down the hallway by a demon just as Katie was in the movie.

In fact, the only people who will get their money's worth are those who have truly experienced the paranormal at some point in their lives. This will bring back the reality of that nightmare for you. When the demon drags the sheets off of Katie and drags her all over the house you won't be able to settle your stomach. In fact, I would skip out on the nachos and hot dogs at the concession stand. You may feel queasy from the unsteady camera angles or your personal fear of the paranormal. I must take note of the fact that the unsteady, Blair Witch camera effects seem to stabilize as the movie nears the end. It's as if the filmmakers wanted to make sure you were paying attention then. If the paranormal is real to you, if you don't need horror effects to be frightened, this movie is the scariest movie you will have seen to date. Otherwise, save your money and wait on one of the up and coming horror movies.

Red's Blood Rating: 2 out of 5 stars - Misleading advertising, poor storyline, poor special effects, still worth watching for some and owning on DVD.

Maybeline 24 Hour Superstay Review

Hello Everyone!

So here's another beauty product review for you. Today it's Maybeline Superstay 24 hour make-up. 

It claims: 24 hour wear, no transfer, Withstands heat, sweat and humidity, suitable for all skin types, won't clog pores. 

In reality: It wears for 24 hours, It transfers VERY easily, will withstand heat, sweat and humidity if you don't touch your face. 


Details: I wore the medium shade to an office for 9 hours (lunch included). It went on smoothly and covered better than MAC. It gave full coverage without being as thick as MAC or Revlon. It smells better than both. Normally by noon I have a strange breakout attempting to form on my face. With this foundation I never saw a change in my skin's texture. After accidentally falling asleep with the foundation on I found that I never had blackheads or clogged pores. Immediately after the foundation was set, I touched my face and touched my hand to a white piece of paper. There was nothing. I drove to the office and sat at my desk. I did the white paper test again. There was a slight transfer. I was also warmer. The true test was lunch time. With the exception of my naturally oily skin, I looked flawless. There were no streaks or smudges. It was set but shiny. I used a Kleenex to dab away the oil. The Kleenex was covered with foundation. 

The next day I applied powder over the foundation. I was left with the flawless airbrushed look. More importantly, It was a naturally flawless look. I appeared to be "born with it". The powder seemed to set the foundation. 



Verdict: I recommend this product over MAC and Revlon. It seems to do less damage to the skin and stays put for 24 hours as it claims. But it isn't transfer free. I would recommend setting with powder or switching to Revlon for oily skin types.

Creole Creations

A special thanks to everyone who submitted their favorite Creole and Cajun recipes for the Creole Creations cookbook!

I received over 2,000 submittions and had a hard time narrowing them down. Still the best of the best were chosen and have been included in the 1st Red Housewife official cookbook. 

The winners are:

Jessyca Haynes     South Carolina
Lucy Archuleta      Nevada
Samantha Briggs   Alabama
SonyGal79            Illinois
Connie G.             Oklahoma
Mary Greathouse   Colorado
L8One                  Oakland, Ca
Beverly Cole         Los Angeles, Ca
Leticia Wilks         New York
Chimika Gordon   Georgia
Keisha Britton      Mississippi
Gina Jackson       Tennessee 

I had loads of fun following your recipes and testing them on my friends and family. Check your mailboxes. Your free hard copies are on their way! 

Everyone else may purchase an E-Copy of Creole Creations in just a few days. Just in time for the holidays! 

Ask Red

What better way to kick off my new blog site than to open up the Red Mailbox and answer some of your questions? Here's this week's dose of Ask Red. 

Remember...Red lips pucker but never part. 

Dear Red,

My boss is really pushing my buttons. First let me say that I am a full figured Black woman. I am a DD cup and of course I have a ghetto booty. I work at a bank, which shall remain nameless, and we have a professional dress code. The problem is that the dress code is not formal nor is it readily accessible. I wear suits and dresses. But I live in hot ass L.A. I don't always wear pantyhose with my peek-a-boo toe shoes. When I wear a blouse, it wears me. My cleavage refuses to be hidden and even in a nun's habit I would look too sexy. I'm curvy, I can't help it. My boss is always on me to wear longer dresses and pantyhose. Everyone else here is a size 5 JUNIORS. I am too big to shop where they shop and too small for Lane Bryant. I am moments away from slapping the crap out of my boss if she says one more thing about my outfit. Please help.

Juicy Fruit

Los Angeles, Ca

Well Juicy,

Let me begin by saying, be proud of those curves. Love them like they're here on loan. Don't let the other size fives at work get you down. You are what we call the Tweener. This is not to be confused with the pre-teen. In order for a Tweener to dress professionally in accordance with the standards of Non-Tweeners, she must either squeeeeze into something that is just a little too small or swim around in something that is clearly to large. Either circumstance is not favorable. 

I do wonder if your boss is a petite, shapeless, curvemonger or a just-50-more-lbs -and-everyone-will-love-me-again...er. 

Experience has taught me that a boss is not a flawless individual. In theory they cannot treat you any differently due to any number of discriminatory reasons. But they are human and they will. In your case your manager may be jealous and is therefore constantly micromanaging your wardrobe.  Just in case, take the mirror test. When you put on a dress or a top, mimic your everyday movements at work to see where your "short comings" are. If you notice you have cleavage from here to Delaware, be prepared to pin or cover the top. If your dress or skirt has a mind of it's own and crawls up your thighs when you walk like a pervert's fingers, consider a larger size or releasing the hem. As for the pantyhose, there's no way around that. 

If you have secured your assets in the most professional way imaginable, then the issue truly is your boss and/or co-workers. The solution? The next time your boss says something about you being "sexy" or curvy say this, "The amount of attention you pay to my body and my figure is making me really uncomfortable. I am starting to feel harassed." She will not bother you again. 

Dear Red,

I have recently returned home due to downsizing. My husband and I don't have children and have never been very traditional. Now he expects to come home and find me beading, wearing a prairie skirt and turquoise jewelry. He wants dinner (usually frybread) and he wants the house to be spotless. I am a modern Dine' woman. I don't know how to bead nor do I like the greasy mess of frybread. I like to watch t.v., go shopping, cook healthy light meals, and write poetry. The other day he told me he was going to start giving me an allowance so that I could buy the materials I needed for "cultural activities". What am I a wayward teenager?!!

Sincerely,

Not Me

Dear Not Me,

Use your allowance to hire a maid. Go to RainTreeBoutique.etsy.com or any other Native American goods site, and buy a pair of moccasins and some jewelry to match. Place them on the bed where you usually lay. Invite your mother in law over to cook Frybread tacos for your husband. Then dress to kill, and wait for your husband to come home. When he does, grab your purse and go out for a shopping trip and a couple of cosmos. He will ask where you're going. Tell him, "Your house is clean, your frybread is on the stove and your beads and moccasins are on the bed. Since NONE of that has ANYTHING to do with me or who I am , I'm going out." The next day, cook what you want to cook, wear what you want to wear, and clean what you have time to clean. If he know's what's good for him...he won't say a word. 

If you have a question you want me to answer send an email with Ask Red in the subject to: TheRedHousewife@yahoo.com 

NO SPAM PLEASE!!!