Ask Red

What better way to kick off my new blog site than to open up the Red Mailbox and answer some of your questions? Here's this week's dose of Ask Red. 

Remember...Red lips pucker but never part. 

Dear Red,

My boss is really pushing my buttons. First let me say that I am a full figured Black woman. I am a DD cup and of course I have a ghetto booty. I work at a bank, which shall remain nameless, and we have a professional dress code. The problem is that the dress code is not formal nor is it readily accessible. I wear suits and dresses. But I live in hot ass L.A. I don't always wear pantyhose with my peek-a-boo toe shoes. When I wear a blouse, it wears me. My cleavage refuses to be hidden and even in a nun's habit I would look too sexy. I'm curvy, I can't help it. My boss is always on me to wear longer dresses and pantyhose. Everyone else here is a size 5 JUNIORS. I am too big to shop where they shop and too small for Lane Bryant. I am moments away from slapping the crap out of my boss if she says one more thing about my outfit. Please help.

Juicy Fruit

Los Angeles, Ca

Well Juicy,

Let me begin by saying, be proud of those curves. Love them like they're here on loan. Don't let the other size fives at work get you down. You are what we call the Tweener. This is not to be confused with the pre-teen. In order for a Tweener to dress professionally in accordance with the standards of Non-Tweeners, she must either squeeeeze into something that is just a little too small or swim around in something that is clearly to large. Either circumstance is not favorable. 

I do wonder if your boss is a petite, shapeless, curvemonger or a just-50-more-lbs -and-everyone-will-love-me-again...er. 

Experience has taught me that a boss is not a flawless individual. In theory they cannot treat you any differently due to any number of discriminatory reasons. But they are human and they will. In your case your manager may be jealous and is therefore constantly micromanaging your wardrobe.  Just in case, take the mirror test. When you put on a dress or a top, mimic your everyday movements at work to see where your "short comings" are. If you notice you have cleavage from here to Delaware, be prepared to pin or cover the top. If your dress or skirt has a mind of it's own and crawls up your thighs when you walk like a pervert's fingers, consider a larger size or releasing the hem. As for the pantyhose, there's no way around that. 

If you have secured your assets in the most professional way imaginable, then the issue truly is your boss and/or co-workers. The solution? The next time your boss says something about you being "sexy" or curvy say this, "The amount of attention you pay to my body and my figure is making me really uncomfortable. I am starting to feel harassed." She will not bother you again. 

Dear Red,

I have recently returned home due to downsizing. My husband and I don't have children and have never been very traditional. Now he expects to come home and find me beading, wearing a prairie skirt and turquoise jewelry. He wants dinner (usually frybread) and he wants the house to be spotless. I am a modern Dine' woman. I don't know how to bead nor do I like the greasy mess of frybread. I like to watch t.v., go shopping, cook healthy light meals, and write poetry. The other day he told me he was going to start giving me an allowance so that I could buy the materials I needed for "cultural activities". What am I a wayward teenager?!!

Sincerely,

Not Me

Dear Not Me,

Use your allowance to hire a maid. Go to RainTreeBoutique.etsy.com or any other Native American goods site, and buy a pair of moccasins and some jewelry to match. Place them on the bed where you usually lay. Invite your mother in law over to cook Frybread tacos for your husband. Then dress to kill, and wait for your husband to come home. When he does, grab your purse and go out for a shopping trip and a couple of cosmos. He will ask where you're going. Tell him, "Your house is clean, your frybread is on the stove and your beads and moccasins are on the bed. Since NONE of that has ANYTHING to do with me or who I am , I'm going out." The next day, cook what you want to cook, wear what you want to wear, and clean what you have time to clean. If he know's what's good for him...he won't say a word. 

If you have a question you want me to answer send an email with Ask Red in the subject to: TheRedHousewife@yahoo.com 

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