Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Before He Cheats

It's a subject no wife wants to think about. You want to believe that it will never happen to you. Then it happens to someone closer to you and you begin to wonder. Cheating is very rarely anything but devastating to a marriage. When it happens to the wives they are quickly criticized whether or not they choose to stay in the relationship or leave it alone. It can leave you feeling lost. There are some things to think about before your husband cheats if he ever cheats at all.

It's not your fault

No matter what he tells you when you ask him for the reasons it isn't your fault. He may have fallen out of love with you because of your personality but it was his responsibility to tell you. When a marriage is going south or when a spouse no longer does it for you, you have to communicate this. You have promised each other forever. That means they have the right to know how you really feel and what, if anything, they can do about it. If he cheats, he chose to do so on his own.

It's not her fault

When a woman loses her man she wants to blame someone for it. If she can't blame herself, she will blame the other woman. She will believe that her husband was seduced beyond his control. To believe otherwise would mean that her husband was weak or didn't love her as much as she believed. She needs to believe the love between them is strong. So she will blame the other woman for being the snake in the grass. The reality is, unless she rapes him, your husband wanted to be with the other woman. A male friend from high school once called the police on a woman who showed up at his house with nothing on but a trench coat. She'd flirted with him for months prior. He politely rebuked her advances. But when she took that extra step he had her picked up for indecent exposure. The woman wasn't arrested but she was thoroughly embarrassed. He made it clear to his wife and the other woman he was not interested. Don't make excuses for a man by saying the other woman was throwing herself at him. The fact that she's throwing doesn't mean he has to catch.

What are you willing to do?

The day you find out you will feel miserable. You may want to curl up into a ball and never come out of your home. Being cheated on hurts. Once you begin to work through the pain you will need to make some decisions. You will need to decide what you are willing to forgive and what you are not. If you have not done so already, you will need to clearly define the word "cheating" for your marriage. Some marriages are open. Some people don't consider certain acts of passion to be sex. You and your husband need to be clear on where that line is and what will happen if you cross it. If you are willing to stay, can you handle the loss of trust? If you are willing to end the marriage, can you handle a divorce? Visitation? Think about it now rather than waiting until you don't have a clear head to think about it. Can you forgive his cheating or is it the end?

Who can you count on?

You will need a strong support system to get you through this painful time. Who do you have in your corner? You should have the following people: The Listener, The Equalizer, and The
Rationalizer. The Listener is the person that will let you talk until you can't talk anymore about your feelings. You will need to get out all of your emotions without hearing about someone else. Sometimes you can solve your own problems this way. The Equalizer is that friend that always knows someone who is shady and illegal. If you decide to take the low road, it always helps to have that friend that is willing to go to jail with you in the name of your broken heart. They are there to settle the score and they love it. The Rationalizer is there to keep you from going to jail in the first place. She is there to make you take the high road so that you won't regret what you are plotting to do. She is almost always right.

No matter what decisions you make or who you have in your corner, don't use your body to get even. This will definitely cause a domino effect of problems. Don't be afraid of how you feel or to ask for professional help. This too shall pass.

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