Thursday, October 20, 2011

10 Reasons To Bitch Slap Your Mother-In-Law

If you're one of those peachy keen wives with a wonderful Disney relationship with your mother in law then this blog posting is not for you. This blog post is for all of my followers who have ever said to me, "I would have bitch slapped my mother in law but..." We all know you wanna do it. We all know you that you can't. But should you ever decide to cross that line, here are some justifiable reasons to do so. 

1. She has photos or memorabilia of your husband's ex posted near photos of your children in a prominent place in her home. There are no photos of you anywhere even though you have gifted her some. Bitch slap her, but use medium strength. It is her home afterall. 

2. She comes to your home for the holidays and throws out your main course to replace it with yours. Bitch slap her at full strength. She's messing with your food and your money at this point. 

3. She shows up late for your wedding improperly dressed and munching on snack. Bitch slap the shit out of her. Then turn around and say "I do."

4. She cuts your son's hair knowing full well it goes against your religion or culture. True the hair grows back but it's the principle. A full strength bitch slap is required to send the proper message.

5. She picks up your kids from school, thus abusing the emergency authorization list and causing you to file an unnecessary Amber Alert. Bitch slap her with everything you've got. 

6. She uses a key she made without your permission to enter your home (also without your permission), then criticizes your housekeeping. Or she criticizes you and your husband for being in the throws of passion when she goes "exploring" in your bedroom. Get dressed first then bitch slap her medium strength. Remember to take back your key. 

7. She looks at her new grandbaby and says, "Are you sure it's my son's?" Muster up whatever strength you have and bitch slap her until she thinks the baby is your husband's twin. 

8. When she meets your family she doesn't want anyone shaking her hand and loses the power of speech. Give her a light bitch slap. You don't want to embarrass your own mama.

9. She buys your husband and kids tickets to Disneyland but "forgets" to buy you one. Then she suggests your family take a family vacation without you. Give her a medium strength bitch slap, just enough to remind her that you're here. 

10. She has taken it upon herself to rename you because your name is too ethnic for her to learn to pronounce or spell. Bitch slap her twice, once for you, and once for your mama. 

I'd like to give a special thanks to my followers that submitted their mother in law horror stories to me. All of the situations listed are real. If they apply to you, you are justified in bitch slapping your mother in law.

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